First Official Playgroup!

Baby M. and I hosted our first official playgroup this morning, and we had a blast. M. ran out of steam after about an hour, but some snuggles and rocking let him get his second wind. Two other nannies came with their 4 charges, all of whom are around 12 months old, so M. was excited to be watching them move around - he is mastering the art of sitting up "Tripod Style", as well as the art of "The Graceful Tip-Over-and-Lie-down" at 4 months old, so getting to see "big kids" in action seems to have been inspiring for him.

Tomorrow we'll visit Neighbor Nanny and the Twins while the house cleaners are here - we're social butterflies, right? Eventually, I want to take him to a baby storytime - M. already loves books, so that seems like a good fit.

M. is also starting solids, leading with oatmeal cereal. One of the things I like best about this position is how absolutely enamored M.'s parents are with him. They are going to give him his meal for now, and I will join the fun once we graduate to 2 and 3 meals a day.

M also loves being outside these days, with early spring weather paying a visit. For whatever reason, time outside exhausts him, so he always sleeps well after taking in the great outdoors.

And yes, he is still swaddled. I occasionally have to remind myself that he will eventually tire of being mummified for sleeping.

He will get tired of it, right?

My Review of Simmons Kids Slumber Time Renewed Glow Crib and Toddler Bed Mattress

Originally submitted at Toys R Us

210 interlocking coils provide comfort and support. All around edge border wire support provides extra firmness and durability. Firm foam layer and insulator wrap helps to ensure firm sleeping surface. Meets or exceeds all applicable safety standards. Limited 35 year warranty.

Simmons Kids Slumber Time Renewed Glow Crib and Toddler Bed Mattress

Sagging badly in less than 4 months

By NannyDebSays from Atlanta, GA on 2/3/2011

 

1out of 5

Pros: Snug Fit

Cons: Flimsy Construction, Defective, Unsafe, Too Soft

Best Uses: None

Describe Yourself: Nanny, Child Care Professional, Postpartun Doula

My employers purchased this mattress for their newborn, and after less than 4 months of use, it is sagging badly in the middle. I just got off the phone with BRU customer service, and they directed me to the manufacturer, saying that my employers could not even exchange the defective and unsafe mattress since the 90 day return window had closed.

I would strongly suggest that if you do purchase this mattress, you test it out ASAP with a good amount of weight to see if it does sag at all.

With soft mattresses being a risk factor for SIDS, I do not think anyone should purchase this item! The risk is not worth it.

(legalese)

Schedules, schedules...mea culpa included

How is it possible I am posting 2 days in a row? Because Baby M. is on a schedule. A really good schedule, which is predictable, simple, and generally making life with him amazingly easy so far.

His parents decided to have a scheduling pro from a local business (Moms on Call) come in when M. was 1 month old and help them get M. to sleep better, especially at night. I admit, when I found this out I was...a bit judgy, since I had not heard much about this business except for non-believers indicating they tended to the rigid side of things.

So, I am officially retracting those judgy thoughts, because this system works REALLY well for Baby M. and for his parents, and, now, for me. He's a happy happy guy, he's well rested, and he is thriving, as far as I can see.

Would I recommend Moms on Call to people? Well, I would definitely suggest they look into it further and keep an open mind. I am sure there are some babies this method wouldn't work for, and some parents who wouldn't choose to use the routines prescribed by Moms on Call. But for now, I am a fan.

An unsurprisingly leaky day...

I have finally started back to work FT, and today is my first full day with my new charge, 3-month-old M, and adorable baby boy. I was supposed to start FT last Monday, but the local snowpocalypse kept me at home for 6 days straight, since driving in the snow isn't a skill I have, and no one anywhere down here can drive on ice.

In any case, after 17+ years of caring for babies and toddlers you would think the leakage issue wouldn't still take me by surprise, but here I sit, spit-up and other, more excretory, fluids decorating my shirt. Did I bring a change of clothes? Nope, because during my "trial" week, baby M. didn't do more than drool a bit.

Sigh. I guess I'm just trying to keep things fresh, or at least as fresh as they get when one's shirt is spotted with baby leakage.

Holier than thou? Really?

‎"Women should not feel guilty if they are unable to nurse their baby, but they should feel guilty if they are unwilling to do so, and they should be intellectually honest enough to know the difference." ~ Elizabeth Gene

From "Peaceful Parenting" on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/peacefulparenting?v=wall)

I have no idea who Elizabeth Gene is, or whether she positions herself as an expert of any sort, but this quote has been bugging me since I first saw it a few days back. My basic annoyance is with the concept of "peaceful parenting" not only including judgemental posts but applauding them. I have never and will never understand why mothers who favor a certain choice such as breastfeeding choose to make other moms feel badly about their choice to NOT breastfeed so that group one can feel good and superior about choosing to breastfeed.

And yes, I have been guilty of judging my employers, other nanny's employers, etc. when it comes to their parenting ideas and choices. The difference is that I don't deliberately engage in making another person feel stupid, belittled, or selfish for the choices they have made. I avoid being loudly verbally judgemental because I would prefer to remain employed, but also because I find it rude.

Do I think breastfeeding is the ideal? Sure.

Do I think that judging someone who doesn't breastfeed as lazy or bad in their mothering will encourage that woman to attempt to breastfeed next time she has a baby? No. I think that telling a woman that her mothering choice was "wrong" simply alienates her.

If breastfeeding advocates want to urge others to breastfeed, they need to try positivity, understanding, and compassion. And they also need to back off if a woman indicates that she is happy with her feeding decision, and let her and her baby and her family live as they choose.

I think an inability to accept the parenting decisions others have made with at least a modicum of good grace indicates a deep insecurity in the judger. And as a nanny, I have had to learn this lesson fairly regularly. I think I'm getting better at acceptance as time goes by though!

Adventures in Twinland

I'm now caring for newborn boy/girl twins in the morning, and today I went with them and my AM Mom Boss (AM MB) to a pediatrician appointment. While AM MB signed in at the front desk, I wheeled the massive snap'n'go, fitted out with a blue baby bucket and a pink baby bucket, into the baby waiting area.

There was a mom in there nursing her 4 month old, and when she saw us she exclaimed "Oh! TWINS! How exciting! Congratulations!"

Once I went through my spiel about being the nanny, she asked me, "Are they boys or girls?"

"One of each!" I figured she was just too sleep deprived to note the BLUE and PINK carseats.

Nursing mom then asked me...

"Are they identical?"

I blinked a few times, figuring I had misunderstood her, but she was looking at me with absolute fascination, obviously waiting for an answer.

So I reminded myself that she was likely sleep deprived, and sweetly replied, "Oh, no, they are definitely not identical."

With a big smile and a nod of her head, she sagely responded, "So they're fraternal twins! How sweet!"

At that point AM MB walked in and rescued me.

I would like to pat myself on the back for being sensitive and not responding with a sarcastic, snarky, or wryly witty response.

I would also like to apologize to all parents of multiples on behalf of the world for all the dumb comments you have ever or will ever get.

Wow! Two posts in one day? AKA, Update time!

Since it's been literally MONTHS since I updated, I'm going to be all sorts of crazy and post 2 times in one day!

I am employed again! YAY! and about darn time!

Since April, I have been caring PT for a baby girl (C) born 1/10. She is adorable, energetic, allergic to naps, and will soon be sporting a pink helmet to correct positional placeocephaly.

And in 11 days I will start working a second PT job caring for B/G twins who will be exactly one month old when I start. They were born 5/10, and I have visited them once. They are both tiny, and based on their mom's reports, M (the boy) is a ravenous eater and A (the girl) is a talker. All I noticed was that they are really really tiny. M was 5 lbs when I saw them, and A was 4.5 lbs. I will have more info on them as I get to know them better. :-)

I also am still working on my postpartum doula certification, and went to a meet-up group of local pregnant women tonight to do some networking. It was interesting, and I did get to give out some business cards.

FB made me think tonight

Well, not facebook, but a new FB friend. She posted this:

"wondering can life fully be complete as a woman without BEARING a child? Honestly? Would u wake up @ 50 yrs. old and have regrets? Hmmmmmmm just wondering!"

After mulling this over, I replied:

"Well, I'm going to try to put this into a coherent format. Growing up, I always kind of assumed I'd marry and have kids. If I'd known then how my life would have turned out, I think I would have been really upset. BUT, now, I feel that my life has gone in the direction it was meant to go in. If I'd married and had kids, I wouldn't have had the awesome opportunities I've had to care for 13 (almost 15!) terrific kids. The time I spent with my charges was (and is) precious to me. I adore what I do. But I also adore being "unencumbered" when the work day is over. I love being with my charges, and I love being on my own. I have a great balance there, IMO, and it works for me.

Now, I am not at a point where I have crossed the idea of adoption off my list of possibilities, but I also think that unless I have a drive to adopt, I am better off NOT taking that path.

I have lots of love to give "my" kids, and right now, that's as close to parenting as I am going to come. And I'm OK with that! :-)"

So what do you all think? How would you answer that question?

Experts Everywhere

I admit that I love to read childcare books by "The Experts". I enjoy taking bits and pieces of all the advice out there, and melding it into my own personal theory. When I look back over the years I've spent as a nanny, I think about how I've moved through Spock, visited the "What to Expect" kingdom, quickly swerved in and out of Ezzo, and toured Sears, Rosemond, Ferber, and many others. I want to check out the "No Cry..." arena soon as well!

But what about people who pick a method and hold onto it tightly through good times and horrible times? What happens when your chosen parenting method isn't working anymore at all, ever? Can people that might be described as heavily invested in parenting like Sears ever come to terms with using other methods and ideas? Or is modern reliance on "The Experts" eventually stifling and limiting?

For new parents, the temptation must be very strong these days to decide that if Expert X says to raise kids with breast milk, co-sleeping, and slings then that's exactly and precisely what they'll do. If baby would rather ride in a stroller, or sleep in a sidecar crib, or just can't figure out breastfeeding, do parents continue to insist that they must do what their expert tells them to do, regardless of how it impacts the family? Can new parents, already exhausted and overwhelmed, really add "Read more parenting books." to their endless to-do lists?

That's where another kind of expert might come in handy. Parent Coaches might seem to be yet another gimmicky way for parents to spend money, but if a PC is knowledgeable about a wide range of issues, and has a variety of parenting tools to share with parents who are overwhelmed, why not get that help?

And just as a side note, I think the best nannies are Parent Coaches. We listen, offer creative problem solving advice, and support parents as they make all the decisions that have to be made. We don't criticize, but we do offer alternative possibilities. And in the end, if what's being done isn't working, a few alternatives are a good thing.

Things it would be good to know BEFORE the interview

Suddenly the market has picked up a bit, and I have interviews this weekend! I do my best to screen potential employers (and I google-stalk them when possible) but somehow I didn't get a lot of what I think is pertinent information from the family I met with today.

So, without delay, here are 3 important things employers need to remember to mention to nanny candidates.

1. Our house is being heavily renovated. You can't see the house number, but we are the joint with the huge construction dumpster in the front driveway.
2. You know we said we had 2 kids under 2? Well, we forgot to mention their 13-year-old half-sibling who lives with us 75% of the time. But you won't have to do anything for him. No, really!
3. We really want a nanny who speaks spanish. Did we mention that?

And, just for any employers who say they once worked as a nanny, here's a tip. Tell us all the details over the phone when we ask. Don't wait until we are face to face to tell us how you were a nanny at the age of 12. Because any career nanny will find it hard to not snigger at you when you say that, and we can cover the sniggering with a cough much better over the phone than in person.

So I go forth tomorrow to 2 other interviews. Wonder what new craziness they will bring into my life?

The Job Hunt, part one

So, I've been out of work for a while. A really long while. And each day I spend a few hours answering ads placed on nanny/family matching sites, cruising craigslist, checking in with agencies, etc. etc. etc.

Today's favorite ad reads as follows (emphasis mine): "We have a 10-week-old baby girl and are in desperate need of a nanny. We have had the HARDEST time finding the right person. We live in Northwest Atlanta/South Cobb County on the Chattahoochee River. Our needs are every other Monday from 11-4, Tuesday from 10-4 and a few Saturdays from 10-3. Eventually Mondays would be added permanently. We would pay $7 per hour, and $10 per hour for special occasions. We would not require any laundry or meal preparation. Our dog would not need any care either, although the occasional tummy rub would be nice! We would like our new nanny to be available for the long-term, as eventually we would need them full time."

And while I am doing the best I can to stay positive, ads like these really annoy me. I made $7 per hour when I started as a nanny 16 years ago. I try to remember that new nanny employers may not know that it is actually ILLEGAL to pay a nanny less than minimum wage, but I have to wonder why parents wouldn't do some due diligence, asking people "in the know" what the average nanny hourly rate in the area might be.

I also blame the websites that allow potential employers to choose illegal wages as their "pay offered". If a website is matching nannies and parents, then parents seeking a nanny should not be able to offer less than legal minimum wage to the potential employers who might answer their ad. I'm not a technical person, but surely there is some way to offer only options for pay starting at minimum wage when the parent checks off that they are hunting for a nanny.

Ultimately, in childcare as in everything else, people get what they pay for. That means that parents who offer ridiculously low rates to a "nanny: will often wind up with their children paying the price for that decision.

Ahhhh....that feels better. I'll save my vent about interview cancellations for later. :-)

Facebook is making me feel old...

Why? Because I found 4 former charges on facebook last week. When I last cared for them, they were 6 and 5, and 10 and 8. Obviously far too young to have a FB account, right?

So the fact that they are now 17, 16, 15, and 13 is a bit of a rude wake-up call. I mean, I know the years are passing by, and all that jazz, but I do enjoy being able to revel in my belief that I am really just 28 or so, and all the kids I ever have cared for are kind of frozen in time at the age I last knew them.

The good news is, I am still apparently enough of a cool person to have been friended by all of these teenagers who I knew as elementary schoolers.

So maybe all is not lost after all. I can still be a decade (Ok, fine 12 years!) younger than I really am in my imagination, and I get to enjoy getting reaquainted with some fairly fabulous teenagers.

"The Honeymoon", we are in it...

Whenever you start a new job with older kids, i.e., NOT infants, there is always a bit of an adjustment time that I like to call the honeymoon. During the honeymoon, the kids, parents, and nanny are all on their best behavior. It makes for some easy days and it's quite tempting to think that the new job will be a breeze.

But eventually, the honeymoon comes to an end. Generally speaking the nanny and the parents are better able to hide any grumpy feeling that pop up when they realize that the new situation is not, in truth, practically perfect in every way. But the kids? That's a different story.

I have a slight advantage in my new job. I know the kids fairly well, and have seen both Destructo Boy (1.5 years old) and Prickly Rose (4.5 years old) at their not-so-best. So I know there will be stormy days ahead, when they let their defenses down and start testing to see what might make me angry. Doesn't mean it will be an easy road, but I do have some sort of map.

If you are starting out new with older kids and find yourself without a map, just remember that all kids save their worst behavior for those they love the most. So one day, when all heck breaks loose, step back, take a deep breath, and think, "Well, at least I know they're finally comfortable with me and feel secure with me if they are acting THIS horrible!"

Then toss around some significant discipline, and take an Advil or two. And smile, because the job is just starting to get exciting.

INA membership giveaway!

In an effort to win a membership to the INA, I am reposting this entry from http://www.nannytransitions.com/! Feel free to spread the word and enter to win by following the directions below!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since returning from the INA Conference in Dallas 3 weeks ago, my good friend Alice and I have been brainstorming about how to get the message out to nannies that we can't simply sit around lamenting about the lack of respect our profession gets. We have to be actively working to improve the image of the nanny profession and one of the most important ways to do that is to be actively involved in a professional nanny organization.

We both knew and loved the late Harriette Grant. Harriette was a Co Founder of the first and longest running support group in the United States. Association of DC Area Nannies (ADCAN). She was a founding member of INA, a board member of INA and the first INA Nanny of the Year in 1990 We will be posting her story on her June 3rd Birthday and in honor of her upcoming birthday Alice and I decided we would work in conjunction to give away an INA Membership on our blogs.

Alice has 2 blogs. Her first blog is http://www.nannyadventures.com/. This is a blog about her adventures as a nanny, helpful tools for parents and nannies as well as other items of interest.She was also inspired by Dr. Lynne Kenney at the INA Conference to brand herself. She is launching her new blog, The Financial Nanny that is focused on helping nannies (and others) save money and invest wisely with the start of this contest.

My first blog is about nannies in transitition and how to deal with the emotions of leaving a nanny positions and other changes that happen when you stay with a family for a few years. It is called Nanny Transitions. My second blog is just for fun and it highlights my creative side as The Creative Nanny.

Starting on Friday, May 15 and running through Monday June 1, we will offer you the opportunity to win a one year INA Nanny membership (Valued at $95) If you are already an INA member we will pay your membership for the following year.

You can gain entries by doing any or all of the following.

1. Sign up to follow either blog. (Each blog counts for 1 entry so if you sign up for all 4 you will get 4 entries). Please leave a comment at each blog stating that you signed up to follow or already do.
http://www.nannytransitions.com/
http://www.creativenanny.blogspot.com/
http://www.nannyadventures.com/
http://www.thefinancialnanny.com/

2. Talk about this give away and post a link to our blogs on your blog, post about it to a yahoogroup, or post about it on a message board like Nannynetwork, or NannyislandTwitter it, or put it on Facebook.

Send us a copy or a link and each one will count as an entry.
Send it to nannytransitions@aol.com (put INA Giveaway in subject)

3. In addition to that you will get double entries for posting on any of our blogs :

a. Why you want to be a member of a professional organization, or

b. What it means to you to be a member of a professional nanny group

The winner will be chosen from random.org and announced on all four blogs on Tuesday June 2, 2009. Good luck!

For more information on the INA please visit their website, their blog, their facebook fan page or twitter.

Changing jobs, mourning losses

Two months ago I was let go from a job I had held for 4+ years due to the economy. I cared for 2 girls and had been their nanny literally since they were born. I spent a good bit of time crying, mourning a sudden and dreadful loss of daily contact with 2 kids I loved so very much. Beanie and Buttercup were no longer in my care, and I worried about them.

I didn't miss the dysfunction that had infested the job. I didn't miss the crazy. And I felt guilty because I was enjoying not being involved in the 24/7 crisis mode, and that feeling of relief was so strong it almost overwhelmed the mourning I was going through simultaneously.

I got very lucky and found a new job quickly, due to a combo of changes in a friend's job status. I started caring for a preschool girl and a toddler boy this past week. I've known both of these children through my nannyhood network since they were about 3 months old, so we're fairly familiar with each other. Hopefully that will ease the transition pangs a bit, as they get used to me and I get used to them.

It's odd to get accustomed to a new job while still actively mourning a job loss. I find myself wondering what "my girls" are doing, if they have what they need, and even thinking about what I would be doing if I were with them , instead of at my new job. I know I will like my new position, but the demands are much lighter, and the kids are generally less dependent, which leaves me at loose ends occasionally.

I also miss the girly girl atmosphere of my old job. I am sure I will eventually get more used to meeting the needs of a tomboy who loves bugs and reptiles and a toddler boy who mainly enjoys whacking things with invented weapons, but some part of me misses barbie, dress-up, and polly pockets.

In a way, being a nanny means knowingly opening your heart to eventual loss. If you love your charges, moving on is a grieving process that can't be ignored. If you are lucky, you will remain in touch with former employers and charges. There's not much that's cooler than getting to move from "nanny" to "friend" after you leave a position. I hope with all my heart that I will have the chance to be a friend to Beanie and Buttercup. I hope their parents recognize and accept that the girls have experienced a loss as well, and that the pain of that loss can be muted by maintaining a relationship.

A Professional Nanny's Guide to Finding and KEEPING a Terrific Nanny

Dear Parents:

Because we love your kids, we stay with your family, through good times and bad. But sometimes, we just need to get a few things off our chests. Please note that the following comments do not apply to all of you, nor do ALL comments apply to ALL employers. This outline of mutual expectations is based partially on a recent post. You know which one, right?

--Before deciding to hire a nanny, please do your homework with regards to the average salaries in your area. Offering a wage far below what is generally seen as normal for your city will result in you interviewing glorified babysitters, who may or may not do a decent job watching your children. If you cannot afford a nanny, there are wonderful family day care providers and terrific corporate daycare services. Use them instead.

--Take into account the costs associated with paying nanny legally when you are looking at what your childcare budget needs to be. Paying off the books is illegal – set a good example for your kids and follow the rules. You don’t really want a lawbreaker taking care of your kids anyway, so refuse to hire “nannies” who are eager to work off the books.

--Offer appropriate paid time off and personal/sick days. Recognize that nanny is human, and needs to have regular vacations and days off, just as you do. Also, consider that if nanny gets sick enough to miss work, she likely caught those germs from your kids. Have a back-up care plan in place.

--Ask nanny to do reasonable household tasks that revolve around the children. The kids laundry, keeping the kitchen, play areas, and kids rooms tidy, preparing and serving nutritious meals, cleaning up messes made during the day, even grocery shopping and errand running for the children…these are all reasonable expectations that can be accomplished WHILE nanny nurtures, plays with, and educates your child. Expecting nanny to provide high-end childcare while mopping, vacuuming, or cleaning toilets is not reasonable. Hire a housekeeping service.

--Set and discuss “house rules” during the interview process. If nanny may not have friends over for playgroups, make that clear. If you must meet anyone nanny would like to invite to your home, make that clear. If you will be requiring drug testing, make that clear as well. A professional nanny wants to know the rules of your home so that she can respect them. If a nanny has any issues with your house rules, please be willing to listen to what she has to say, but then make your decision and explain your reasoning.

--Write and sign a work agreement that outlines job duties, salary, benefits, and what expectation nanny can have of raises and bonuses for a job well done.

--Set up a household account for nanny to use when shopping for or entertaining your children. Set a budget, get a check card for her use, provide a place for her to keep receipts, and review the bank statements when they come in. Do not ask nanny to pay for things out of her own pocket. Ever. Period.

--Only hire someone you trust. Check references diligently. Ask friends, neighbors, and relatives to “drop by” unexpectedly if you want to get an idea of how things go when nanny is in charge. If you absolutely must nanny cam, make that clear at the start of the interview process, so that any nanny who chooses to not work on camera can remove herself from your interview list.

--Allow nanny reasonable access to your refrigerator and pantry. If nanny chooses to eat a specialized diet, it would be nice to provide what she needs, but if that means making an extra grocery trip each week, you might offer to provide her with a small food allowance that she can use to purchase things on her own time. Be aware that most professional nannies do abide by the “Never eat the last serving!” rule, but do be sure to let nanny know if something is off limits. We won’t be insulted if you tell us the premium pasta sauce is for the dinner party you’re throwing that weekend.

--Little benefits and perks mean a lot. If you can afford to provide nanny with a cell phone, do so. Same goes for adding nanny to your family gym membership, making sure your family zoo/museum/aquarium passes include nanny, and being sure to provide safe and reliable car seats for nanny to place in whatever vehicle she uses to transport your children. IF you can provide a nanny car, that’s terrific. If not, pay nanny the IRS dictated mileage rate, and do so with a smile, knowing that nanny is using her car to take your children on exciting and educational adventures.

--Consider helping nanny pay for continuing education classes or conferences that help her learn new skills to bring to the job. Offer to pay for, and attend along with her, CPR and First Aid classes.

To keep the relationship positive and make sure your terrific nanny stays with your family, here are some tips for keeping yourselves and nanny happy.

--Do not comment on or offer advice to nanny regarding her wardrobe. If she is a true professional, she will be properly attired to work with and play with your children every day. If your “nanny” wears heels, cocktail attire, or skanky clothes that are too tight/revealing/short, that’s a tip that she is not focused on being a childcare professional.

--Do your best to avoid adding duties to nanny’s contract without her agreement and additional financial compensation. If you note nanny is stepping up to take on extra work, be sure to thank her both verbally and with the occasional thoughtful gesture, like a small gift or a day off.

--Make and keep your children your nanny’s top priority. You are paying a good salary because you want them to have that specialized individual attention.

--Provide nanny with the necessities she needs to keep a journal for you that will detail the activities, cute moments, and adorable sayings that happen each day. Ask that she take the time to update this journal daily.

--Do the best you can to maintain a livably clean work environment for nanny. The best way to make a nanny grumpy is for her to find her “office” trashed when she arrives at work on Monday morning. Yes, we know housework is something that can suck the life-force from you when you are tired or stressed. Finding a new nanny, because your nanny wrote her resignation letter in the grease on your granite countertops, can do the same thing.

--Maintain some personal boundaries with nanny, and expect she do the same with you. If you must discuss your marital issues with someone, find a therapist. If you like to watch or perform odd or unusual maneuvers with your spouse or by yourself, keep the DVDs wrapped up in the ubiquitous “brown paper”, store your grown-up toys, and delete computer histories on shared computers. It is mortifying to find details of an employer’s personal intimate preferences lying around at work.

--Keep the lines of communication open. Have weekly meetings to be sure everyone is on the same page with regard to outings, developmental issues, and phases your child is going through, and make time to discuss any issues your children are experiencing. Nanny can often offer sage advice – take advantage of her experience. Do not scream at nanny, freeze nanny out, or snipe at nanny. Treat nanny as you want your boss to treat you.

--Come to nanny when it is time for raises. Don’t make her chase you down and beg for a meeting. Be prompt, fair, and honest when giving annual reviews. If you are not able to continue raising her salary, discuss other benefits you can provide, like Health Insurance, a 401(k), or fewer hours. If nanny has not earned a raise, let her know how to improve and schedule another meeting in 3 months time.

--Expect nanny to want to discuss child related issues with you, and expect that once she has made her opinion clear she will graciously follow your lead, unless what you want will cause physical or emotional harm to your child. If she has an issue with the direction you want to take, she should either ask if you can both research the issue and then discuss it further, or suggest you discuss the problem together with an appropriate expert.

--Expect nanny to treat you and your home with respect. If you come home each and every day to a trashed home, kids watching TV, and nanny yakking on the phone, you may need to ask yourself if this person is the right one for the job.

--Expect a level of professionalism from a nanny who calls herself a professional. A true professional does not threaten, sulk, intimidate, or otherwise try to force her employers to cater to her. If you ever wonder whether nanny will take out her anger at you on your kids, FIRE HER, and start your search over.

--Respect is a two way street. Treat your nanny with respect, expect she will treat you with respect, and do not ever take a terrific relationship with your nanny for granted. In many ways, a nanny/employer relationship is like a spousal relationship. If you berate, ignore, neglect, or disrespect your spouse, they will not want to stay with you, but if you treat your spouse with kindness, express appreciation to them, and pay them positive attention, they will be with you for the long haul.

The "Why"ner and the Whack-her

The brilliant and advanced 3 year old I care for has already started the "why" phase of childhood, and I am eventually going to run out of answers. Recently, I actually found myself begging her for 5 minutes with no questions. Add the "Why?" issue to her already drifty attention span and apparent inability to listen and focus, and I feel like I am constantly yammering at her. I am trying to think back to other 3 year olds I have known, and remember what I did to survive this stage, but so far, all I can think is "Why? WHY? WHY have we hit this stage already???"

Meanwhile, Miss Charming 16 month old is in her scientific experiement stage. Her current favorite test subject is big sister. Here's how I imagine Buttercup's inner dialogue would sound if she could talk:

"Hmmm....sister is sitting and playing. That means I can reach her hair! Wonder what will happen when I pull her hair really hard? (hair pulling commences) Oh WOW! That was GREAT! Definitely a 4.5 on the screech scale. I bet I can do better than that though. I wonder if she'll be louder when I whack her on the head with this handy naked Barbie doll ?(whack whack whack) Oooooo...that was my best work of the day! An 8 on the screech scale and a scream! Uh-oh, wait a second. My nanny is headed this way. I better wail and seem like I was just hurt. That'll throw her off my trail!"

At least I can still surprise a 16 month old. She's beginging to experience the (occasionally overused) phemomenon of "Time Out". Her first spell in the chair surprised her, so we'll see what happens when she knows what "Time Out" actually means. Of course, I also tell her what she did wrong and what she must do instead. Then I send her over to Beanie to appologize, and Buttercup jabbers something before offering a kiss on big sister's boo-boo. Completely cute.

All this serves as an illustration of my point, which is that patience is not only a virtue, it's practially a pre-requisite for nannies. If you can't keep your cool while answering "Why?" for the 648th time at 2 pm, and you can't repeat yourself over. And Over. And OVER. while being stared at blankly, you won't make it in my job.

Don't get me wrong. I am certainly not a saint, and neither are the nannies I know. I do lose my patience, and occasionally raise my voice.

The real issue for me is that at any given minute I can be prepared to discipline and then I get caught off guard by an awesome display of cuteness or silliness, and I lose my "stern voice" to a horrible case of giggles.

Disdain? Discomfort? Dismay? There has to be some sort of appropriate term for the strange and unsettling reception given me by many of the moms I see on my daily rounds as a nanny.

Generally, I'll be chatting with a woman while at the park with the kids, or while waiting for a charge to finish a class, and she'll say something that makes it clear she assumes I'm the mom. At that point I'll tell her "I'm their nanny." Then the weirdness starts. And this happens at any time, from 15 minutes to 6 classes into a friendly discussion.

I'll get an "Oh...really?", a blank stare, or nervous laughter, and then, 80% of the time, conversation stutters to a halt, leaving nothing but an awkward silence. The mom will soon make a vague excuse before walking away, or will turn to the woman on the other side of her to start a lively discussion.

In my novice nanny days, I thought perhaps I was simply somehow boring or annoying, and the realization that I was a nanny was an out for moms who weren't really interested in a friendly conversation. But now, I am forced to wonder why THEY have an issue with me. I was fine to talk with when I was presumably one of them, but as a nanny I am somehow not worth the effort.

Because I am generally curious about what makes people act the way they do, I have come up with 3 possible reasons for the "Mom Freeze": they feel scorn toward my momboss for not being home with the kids, and therefore I get the brunt of that disdain; they feel that they don't know how to relate to someone who's "just" a nanny, and they get uncomfortable; or they are concerned that developing a friendly relationship with me will be awkward, since we presumably have little in common.

There have been moms I have wound up talking very comfortably with, who don't seem to give a flip what I list as my IRS occupation and just kind of enjoy casually talking with me. I am always happy to be seen as a person, rather than as my occupation. I just wonder why I am taken as I am so infrequently.

Now, the theories I have may be full of hot air, so I am curious to see what you all think. Moms, do you feel awkward talking to nannies, having them over for playdates, or otherwise interacting with them? Is there an ethnic or cultural compoment to any discomfort you have? Nannies, have you experienced "Mom Freeze", or are your stories different from mine? Could it be a regional issue, or a product of the American awkwardness with "domestic help"? Toss your ideas into the mix, and help me out!

Transitions, "big kid" stuff, and weepy nanny

My older charge is in camp for the very first time this week. In other words, this is the first time EVER I have taken her somewhere and left her there. ALONE!

Well, OK, she was actually with 7 other 3 and 4 year olds, and 2 teachers, and 2 teen helpers, and a bunch of other older kids. But I wasn't there. And I have always been there for her. Since she was less than 1 week old, I have been there to take care of her, comfort her, help her with the evil that is putting on shoes...

So, my little beanie is getting older. She starts school a few days a week this fall. I may not survive. Can nearly 40 year olds have seperation anxiety? Is the weepy stuff just silly when the kid isn't even your own? Is it totally selfish to want to keep her little forever?

Answers: Yes, complete with tears. No, not when you've been with them an awful lot of the time and love them lots. Yes, because as scary as it is to send her off into the world, she is so smart, and so funny, and so ready to take on whatever is out there. You know, on the 3 year old "whatever is out there" level.

I just have to remember that I now get to have some solo time with the little sister, a charming and talented toddler. It'll be terrific to get to know her as a solo act. Buttercup is a hoot and a half.

Also, just FYI? Anyone messes with my Beanie, I will HURT you.

Incompetancy, Bureaucracy, and Parenting Difficulty

A 16 month old girl was murdered by her 19 year old mom and/or the mom's 18 year old boyfriend this week in my city.

Nine days before she died, she was taken to the hospital with a broken arm and leg.

DFACS dropped the ball. Completely, utterly, and inexcusably. They sent this baby home with her mother.

Nine days later, she was dead. Head trauma.

I currently care for a child about that age. I have seen 6 other kids through that age, and I managed to not fatally injure any of them.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I am older, more mature, more educated, and likely much better able to cope with the myriad of frustrations parenting a toddler dumps on you each and every day. Yay me.

But what about the teen parents, the older yet still uneducated parents, the well-meaning but ignorant parents? And, more importantly, what about the children? The safety net that currently exists loses kids every day. DFACS is obviously broken, not just in my city but nationwide. What can be done to fix the system?

I don't have the answers, at least not real answers that could be realitically put into play. I can list all sorts of "magic wand" ideas, but that means nothing, because I haven't got a magic wand.

I think it may be finally time to volunteer as a mentor for young moms. Because sitting on my butt crying about the death of a little girl does nothing to help fix the problem.

Off to stick my finger in the proverbial dike.